STEP 1: fixing myself---FAIL

I feel abnormal…

I feel weirder than how I was “normally” weird.

I told myself that I’m supposed to move one and go on with life and welcome back the old me. The better me. NOT the bitter me.

I’m working on my first step to 100daysofhappiness but failed.  Why am I finding it so hard?

I don’t usually cry over movies or stories. Now I weep. This is not me. Even the thought of people getting along with their own parents upsets me… Because I didn’t have the chance to do so. People who disregard their own parents upset me even more, because they neglect the people who loved them so much. I think this is a stage in grieving I’m undergoing.

I easily get irritated when things just go wrong. I usually ignore little things like when I hear people who squeal like a dumb-ass, when people complain about their life, when people ask questions repetitively, when people forget the date; but now it felt a lot like a thump in the balls.  

Maybe I feel guilty over not being there during my dad’s last days.

I do try really hard to get back to being the same quirky me.

For some reason even a very small gesture from people bothers me a lot. When a person gets tired in my presence, I tend to think that it’s my fault. When a person gets a bit silent in my presence, I feel like she’s thinking that I’m becoming weirder and awkward. All the more do I feel useless and un-needed.

I try to act happy. Talk positively than ever and try to be as upbeat and sun-shiny as possible. But then after the crowd’s gone and I’m all alone again, I get depressed.

Sometimes I just sleep off my depression to avoid crying…  ‘Cuz crying gives me a headache upon waking up and it stains the pillowcase.

When people ask me how my dad died, I feel better when I talk about it. It feels a lot like I’m releasing a huge amount of bad vibes in me, but then in the middle of the story I get teary eyed.

My dad suffered so bad but tried his best not to look like it. I tried to support him for some time… financially, but my presence wasn’t there.

I was told that grieving for most people around me takes 6 months.

Wow! It doesn’t feel normal.

And I could imagine the number of people who’d get irritated/annoyed with me during that time.

Lord, please speed up my recovery. I can’t be this way for that long. I don’t want to make people see me as an inconvenience.

Maybe a little more hugs and more love and assurance is all I needed.

I just hope my boyfriend wouldn't mind giving me more attention than usual. I'm reluctant to ask him, but I'll try. I'm not really comfortable asking him this much because I just want him to initiate it. Plus he's a busy guy. Im usually the girl who doesnt ask for too much from a boyfriend. I hope I don't end up too needy.