STEP 1: fixing myself---FAIL

I feel abnormal…

I feel weirder than how I was “normally” weird.

I told myself that I’m supposed to move one and go on with life and welcome back the old me. The better me. NOT the bitter me.

I’m working on my first step to 100daysofhappiness but failed.  Why am I finding it so hard?

I don’t usually cry over movies or stories. Now I weep. This is not me. Even the thought of people getting along with their own parents upsets me… Because I didn’t have the chance to do so. People who disregard their own parents upset me even more, because they neglect the people who loved them so much. I think this is a stage in grieving I’m undergoing.

I easily get irritated when things just go wrong. I usually ignore little things like when I hear people who squeal like a dumb-ass, when people complain about their life, when people ask questions repetitively, when people forget the date; but now it felt a lot like a thump in the balls.  

Maybe I feel guilty over not being there during my dad’s last days.

I do try really hard to get back to being the same quirky me.

For some reason even a very small gesture from people bothers me a lot. When a person gets tired in my presence, I tend to think that it’s my fault. When a person gets a bit silent in my presence, I feel like she’s thinking that I’m becoming weirder and awkward. All the more do I feel useless and un-needed.

I try to act happy. Talk positively than ever and try to be as upbeat and sun-shiny as possible. But then after the crowd’s gone and I’m all alone again, I get depressed.

Sometimes I just sleep off my depression to avoid crying…  ‘Cuz crying gives me a headache upon waking up and it stains the pillowcase.

When people ask me how my dad died, I feel better when I talk about it. It feels a lot like I’m releasing a huge amount of bad vibes in me, but then in the middle of the story I get teary eyed.

My dad suffered so bad but tried his best not to look like it. I tried to support him for some time… financially, but my presence wasn’t there.

I was told that grieving for most people around me takes 6 months.

Wow! It doesn’t feel normal.

And I could imagine the number of people who’d get irritated/annoyed with me during that time.

Lord, please speed up my recovery. I can’t be this way for that long. I don’t want to make people see me as an inconvenience.

Maybe a little more hugs and more love and assurance is all I needed.

I just hope my boyfriend wouldn't mind giving me more attention than usual. I'm reluctant to ask him, but I'll try. I'm not really comfortable asking him this much because I just want him to initiate it. Plus he's a busy guy. Im usually the girl who doesnt ask for too much from a boyfriend. I hope I don't end up too needy.

100 happy days challenge

I seek to get back to the normal, quirky me.... Although introvert, but happy like always.

But then one of the makers of my ultimate happiness, my dad (God bless his soul!), passed away, I lost control, lost passion and lost interest in so many things.

I was told not to rush my recovery. Problem is, whenever I break down, it takes me longer to get up from my downfall....

So I need to work double time.

I was browsing the net and bumped into this link. http://100happydays.com/ .

It says:

"We live in times when super-busy schedules have become something to boast about. While the speed of life increases, there is less and less time to enjoy the moment that you are in. The ability to appreciate the moment, the environment and yourself in it, isthe base for the bridge towards long term happiness of any human being.           

71% of people tried to complete this challenge, but failed quoting lack of time as the main reason.These people simpy did not have time to be happy. Do you?"

 

 

Seriously? NORMAL people find being happy a challenge? I mean, I'm not happy as of the moment for a reason. So I'm excused! :-p

 

Anyway, here's how it works:

 

"every day submit a picture of what made you happy!

It can be anything from a meet-up with a friend to a very tasty cake in the nearby coffee place, from a feeling of being at home after a hard day to a favor you didto a stranger.

#100happyday challenge is for you - not for anyone else.

It is not a happiness competition or a showing off contest. If you try to please / make others jealous via your pictures - you lose without even starting. Same goes for cheating.

 

So first you register in the challenge >here<, then choose your favorite platform for submitting pictures. Here you can decide yourself on the privacy of your participation & happy moments:

• Share your picture via facebook, twitter or instagram with apublic hashtag#100happydays;
• Come up with your own hashtagto share your pictures with to limit publicity. (Don't forget to tell us how to find your pictures though ;) )
• Simply send your pictures to myhappyday (at) 100happydays.comto avoid any publicity.

And you're ready to go! :)  "

 

I rarely go on facebook. I can't post pictures everyday, so I'll just accumulate them pics and whenever I get the chance to  post 'em, then by all means post 'em in a bunch!

 

Happy me, come back!

 

 

 

 

 

Overcoming grief and mourning...

Im in the stage that my mind has been occupied by memories of my father (who expired last May 24, 2014).  I haven't been myself lately.


I'm irritable, I snap at people, I don't talk longer to Mala, my boyfriend's mom (I used to stay awake an hour extra just to talk to her about random stuff! Now, it just decreased to a 10 minute chit chat and I go to sleep), I lost interest in waking up early, I become needy with my old friends more than how I used to, but I lose the want of hanging out with new people. I find less importance in responding to messages from my old friends.

I don't like the changes happening to me. I try to be as normal as how I was but then I tend to no longer care about what people think.

Sometimes, I get busy with random things and then all of a sudden I stop... remember how my dad suffered and those good times we've been through and the fact that I can no longer have those moments happening again, ever... then weep... Crazy.

I want to be in control of my emotions, I want to get back to my normal, quirky, happy, passionate me.

I don't want people around me to think that I'm too moody to be around. People... specially the ones important to me are already getting affected and I don't like that.
I just realized that coping with mourning and grief is worse than getting over a really bad breakup.

 Really.

I was once told by my boyfriend that I'll be okay in time and I shouldn't rush things. It's not really that I'm rushing, it's just that not all people easily understand how I am.

People react to stimuli.

Now, I'm making my own solution.

I'll blog away my feelings and get busy with random stuff as usual and try to focus more on the same old simple pleasures in life like how I used to.

I must move on...

I have to be stronger than how I was! For my family... For my friends... For the future problems that I'll be facing.

I might consider following this thing people called "100 days of happiness."... It's when they capture pictures of happy moments until it reached a hundred. Well.... My version of happiness is just simple. I get happy over eating ice cream, waking up to a cold morning then press the snooze button multiple times, the joy of petting a cat, the feeling of lying down upon fresh and clean bedsheets....

 simple things like that.... Who could ever relate to that? It's not that big... just simple...


Well, Im doing it anyway!

Fingers crossed!

That fateful day

May 24, 2014 at 5:33 AM when my Dad's life was taken away from him. A fateful day.

I was miles away from him, I'm at Cebu and he's at Cagayan de Oro when my mom called my phone until the battery ran out because phones aren't allowed in our company premises, thus left in our lockers. But I knew something was wrong. The last message I read was that Daddy's heart hasn't been responding in the E.R. for 30 minutes... And then my phone went out.

In my mind I was thinking he will survive but then my positive thinking was killed by the fact that he hasn't responded for 30 minutes already.... Thirty Minutes!

Most of the time, patients who hasn't any cardiac activity for 5 minutes expires. Having a background in the medical field, I knew better.

I went to my supervisor but made sure all my team mates aren't around because I don't want them to see what I am under influence of extreme emotion. I was dying inside. My optimism and fear of his loss fighting... Already arguing.

My initial plan was just to tell my supervisor that I have to come home in a calmest way possible. But then upon reaching her desk, I cried unable to express myself properly. I couldn't find the right words to describe how I felt nor how I'd deal with the situation. I was hesitant to tell her that my Dad left me because there's this little hope in my mind that kept telling me that he could be revived. After all my mom said he's still being revived at the hospital...

I fixed myself and hurried home to recharge my phone and call my family to check on him and make sure he's okay. On my way during my commute I kept telling myself that he'll be okay. But then something in me tells me he won't make it and at least his suffering will be over that he'll be at peace. All these emotion and logic and denial mixed. People stop and stare at me... At 9am on a rush hour, I weep. I tried stopping myself from showing much emotion but it's useless.

That commute started to feel a lot like a slow, painful torture.

Finally, after 90 minutes of commute I reached the house and my boyfriend's mom told me the news just before I reached our bedroom to recharge my phone. She said, my sister called my boyfriend at nearly 6AM and told him that my Dad has expired. That I have to go home to my family the soonest time possible.

I was in denial still and insisted that I have to hear it from my Mom directly.

Reaching my Mom who was at that time beating around the bush, explaining first what happened, how it happened and the whole nine yards, I had to yell at her "ANO NA NANGYARI KAY DADDY?!?!?!" (What happened to Daddy?) "Okay na ba siya?" (Is he okay?).
Then there's this long silence and she told me "Wala na sya" (He's gone)

I never really cared what my neighbors would think. I cried the loudest cry ever. I threw things everywhere.

It was the most painful day ever.

I was lost.

It hurts to know that the man who gave me so much affection would leave me. He who gave me life, he who used to call me his LUCKY CHARM, ANGEL and PRINCESS. The man who taught me so much, even life hacks and the man who protected me from harm all my life. The man who could sacrifice so much, even kill for me (If he have to) just to make things better for me. The man who watched me from a distance as another form of guiding me. The man who held my hands when I was little and taught me how to fight before I could walk. The man who'd always allow me to climb trees, swim the deeper part of the river/beach, climb hills and drive a bike/motorcycle even though my mom dissaproved out of fear that I might get hurt.

There's so many things I haven't mentioned that my Dad has done for me.

There's so many things I would be missing.

He still haven't seen me in my wedding day nor seen his grandchildren all because he ran out of time.

 All those years he has been longing for that day to come.  But I failed to show that to him.

He still haven't seen me progress at work.

If only I had more time to prove him my worth.

If only I had more time to show him the world.

If only there's another chance that I could talk to him again.

For now I still mourn. Life hasn't been normal yet since he went away.

I had so many plans for him and my family.

If only I could turn back the time.

I miss you so much, Daddy!