How do you love an olive skin?

How do you love an olive skin?

Being a modern Filipina, I am falling in love with tan skin. I used to be obsessed with bleaching myself and hiding from the sun because almost everyone I know says a pale skin signifies beauty. White Beauty as they call it.

I did everything just to look pale but no matter what I do, my skin just seem to refuse all that vitamin C’s and gluta stuff and SPF’s that I feed them.

Until I discovered make up.

I resorted to wearing foundation and concealer about 4 shades lighter than my skin tone from face to neck and nape. I loved the results because it’s instant.

I regret those years…

I stopped whitening myself…  And it started when my BF dragged me into running. At first I ran short distances and ran as fast as I could just to get into the finish line before the sun hit my skin. Mura kog bampira nga nahadlok sa Death by sunlight!

I loved running because I like how my skin glowed because nanggawas ang toxins saakong lawas via sweating…. Until he challenged me to run a 21km run. I wasn’t even ready for that but I did it anyway since he promised he’d escort me from start to finish.

Aaaaaand I loved the runner’s high. I love that feeling of receiving a finisher’s medal and eating with a bunch of looney friends and fellow runners! I love the feeling of running while watching the sunrise. The feeling no worries about burning. And I kinda like tan lines, it’s a sign that I’ve enjoyed carefree hours under the sun.

I looked at my old photos when I hated my original color… Mura kog espasol! It’s like, my face and neck were pale but my hands and arms are darker. OMG!  It was horrible! I felt a lot like a chocolate crinkle! A clown!

Since then I learned the lesson about loving my skin tone and buying the right foundation shade.

Who wants white, pasty, bored-inside-the-office skin? Nope! Not me.

After all, tan lines and tan skin is a sign that I enjoyed the great outdoors and a carefree life.

All the more when I realized that Caucasians envy our tan skin and that tanning beds and tanning salons are expensive from their end. That we don’t have to worry about skin cancer as much as white people do. That most beauty queens are tan.

Currently, our house is located at Talisay, just by the beach… And I’m loving it!

Good bye to my trying-hard-to-be-white. Hello olive skin!

I love you, Budoy!

I'm still not yet over my Dad's farewell, yet another level of depression comes over...

But still, I try to be as optimistic or if not, as poker-faced as I could.

Here's Budoy. He's a dachshund. I do love his shiny eyes and cold wet nose and those unusually big feet for a hotdog. He's a Leo (like me) born last August 3, 2011. He's 3 years old!

My stress reliever, Budoy, is sick with Canine Distemper. For those who know what it is, you might feel the pain I'm going through. For those who don't, here's what it is http://www.petmd.com/dog/conditions/respiratory/c_dg_canine_distemper  To sum it up, it's like catching it like you you get measles and suffering on it like you have lung cancer. Very painful, expensive and torturing and the medicine doesn't taste good. And people shove medicine, food and water down your throat just to make you live. But your body rejects it and puke it out. And you get weaker everyday.

It kills me. What kills me most is my BF who is more depressed than I am.
I first met Budoy last June 10, 2012 when my BF (Who was still my friend back that time who used him as OUR MIDDLE MAN and another way for us to keep seeing each other!) let him stay over my place for the weekend. I was lonely and depressed before I met Budoy because being an animal lover from CDO who have to leave for Cebu for work and NOT used to a life without pets, makes me feel like the world is just a little cage that I have to do the same thing all over again and no stimuli at all... Until I met him. (and of course, his owner, my BF!).

The first time he plays with me

The first time he smiled at me

The first time he woke up with me!

And then we grew fonder. Then came along in some of our dates. On the day I decided to have RR (my BF) be my official Boyfriend, Budoy as our middle man. August 6, 2012 to be exact. The witness of what happened.

When my BF decided to have me move in to his place, Budoy adopted me too and gave me the best mornings.. He would greet me hello whenever I come back from work. He gave me the best and EFFECTIVE wake up calls every night so I could go to work.

Budoy likes to watch me cook in the kitchen, he would stare at me for hours and give me that soulful, puppy eyes look that makes me give in and throw him a bit of meat that Im chopping. He loves to stomp in my chest when me or my BF lay down the floor or sofa. And smother us with kisses and paw prints whenever he have the chance.

One thing I never expected from Budoy was his skills in RAT HUNTING. Almost every morning we would wake up to find a RAT (like the size of a cat!) lying on the floor. Just like how a cat does. Im a cat person BTW. But please don't tell Budoy. He hates them felines!

Budoy watching me cook

You are looking into my eyes and give me a BIG JUICY BONE!

Who could ever resist those eyes? Tell me!

 

 

We moved to another place we could call our own with me, my Bf and his mom and Budoy and his wife, Darna.

Everything was perfect amidst some problems. Budoy made things a little lighter and happier.

Budoy would help me watch over my BF's mom during the day when Im asleep (cuz I work at night!). Still help out in driving out those pesky mice away from our house. He's our doorbell, he'd alarm us whenever someone's coming over. One of the reasons why me and my BF continue to bond because we have to walk him together after dinner.

Did I mention that he snores on his sleep? He really does! Sometimes he growls and barks when he's dreaming.

He's also my pacer in my afternoon run. My Bf used to be my pacer, but since we run different paces, he's faster and competitive. Im the chillax runner/walker. And Budoy and Darna supports me for it!

My two pacers on my afternoon run

My favorite task for Budoy is when my BF stays in bed on a weekend morning and Im done cooking breakfast, I try calling him to get down and eat with us but he's just too lazy to wake up.... I ask Budoy to climb upstairs into our room and wake him up. It works!

Until we noticed Darna, vomiting, pooping with blood, coughing and refused to eat and just sleeps all day for about a week.I thought it was Pharvo because she didn't have pharvo shots as a puppy. She got better after and she's back to being this annoying jumping ball of fur. Budoy showed the same symptoms only that he looked worse than Darna. We took him to the vet last August 4, 2014 and he was diagnosed with Canine Distemper with guarded prognosis. The vet said there's no cure for it because it was just a virus. There's only the need for supportive meds like cephaliexin, metronidazole, vitamin C, previcox and the distemper therapy shots. We struggled into making him take his meds and figure out what he wants to eat, cuz sometimes he wouldn't take anything. We would rejoice whenever he takes a bite in solid foods.

August 4, 2014. Budoy sleeping right beside me

Sleeping on his favorite position... And snoring! (no Joke!)

On the last three days, he haven't eaten anything solid. So we give him broth and water. And there's this greenish-yellow discharge coming out of his nose. Just like a booger and I have to take them all out. It's not easy because he pulls away. But I try to be firm but gentle because he has to be cleaned otherwise he'd die of infection! I also clean his eyes and feed him broth after. Good thing he takes the broth and water. Then finally I give him his massage. He likes those. I was once told that petting a dog adds up to his healing. I pet Budoy even when he's not sick! So it's no biggie for me.

My heart is broken when I see Budoy on his unusual weakness. I don't like doing things he doesnt want to do but I have to because I want him to get better. I want the usual happiness to the family to come back. My BF won't even cheer up and it's killing me. I just try to look strong so it won't add up to their sadness.

Budoy's in a 50/50 chance of surviving and I'm ready to do anything I could and afford to make him better and get back to his old self. The old, annoying. wet-nosed, heavy pawed, face licking and jumping Budoy.

Please get better. You're my best friend! You're our stress reliever and happiness in a form of a dog! And yes, you're still our puppy! You put the "H" in Happiness! Please get better. Im begging you. I may not have the money to have you STAY in the vet's clinic, but I have the love and care and passion to care for you til you get better.

STEP 1: fixing myself---FAIL

I feel abnormal…

I feel weirder than how I was “normally” weird.

I told myself that I’m supposed to move one and go on with life and welcome back the old me. The better me. NOT the bitter me.

I’m working on my first step to 100daysofhappiness but failed.  Why am I finding it so hard?

I don’t usually cry over movies or stories. Now I weep. This is not me. Even the thought of people getting along with their own parents upsets me… Because I didn’t have the chance to do so. People who disregard their own parents upset me even more, because they neglect the people who loved them so much. I think this is a stage in grieving I’m undergoing.

I easily get irritated when things just go wrong. I usually ignore little things like when I hear people who squeal like a dumb-ass, when people complain about their life, when people ask questions repetitively, when people forget the date; but now it felt a lot like a thump in the balls.  

Maybe I feel guilty over not being there during my dad’s last days.

I do try really hard to get back to being the same quirky me.

For some reason even a very small gesture from people bothers me a lot. When a person gets tired in my presence, I tend to think that it’s my fault. When a person gets a bit silent in my presence, I feel like she’s thinking that I’m becoming weirder and awkward. All the more do I feel useless and un-needed.

I try to act happy. Talk positively than ever and try to be as upbeat and sun-shiny as possible. But then after the crowd’s gone and I’m all alone again, I get depressed.

Sometimes I just sleep off my depression to avoid crying…  ‘Cuz crying gives me a headache upon waking up and it stains the pillowcase.

When people ask me how my dad died, I feel better when I talk about it. It feels a lot like I’m releasing a huge amount of bad vibes in me, but then in the middle of the story I get teary eyed.

My dad suffered so bad but tried his best not to look like it. I tried to support him for some time… financially, but my presence wasn’t there.

I was told that grieving for most people around me takes 6 months.

Wow! It doesn’t feel normal.

And I could imagine the number of people who’d get irritated/annoyed with me during that time.

Lord, please speed up my recovery. I can’t be this way for that long. I don’t want to make people see me as an inconvenience.

Maybe a little more hugs and more love and assurance is all I needed.

I just hope my boyfriend wouldn't mind giving me more attention than usual. I'm reluctant to ask him, but I'll try. I'm not really comfortable asking him this much because I just want him to initiate it. Plus he's a busy guy. Im usually the girl who doesnt ask for too much from a boyfriend. I hope I don't end up too needy.

100 happy days challenge

I seek to get back to the normal, quirky me.... Although introvert, but happy like always.

But then one of the makers of my ultimate happiness, my dad (God bless his soul!), passed away, I lost control, lost passion and lost interest in so many things.

I was told not to rush my recovery. Problem is, whenever I break down, it takes me longer to get up from my downfall....

So I need to work double time.

I was browsing the net and bumped into this link. http://100happydays.com/ .

It says:

"We live in times when super-busy schedules have become something to boast about. While the speed of life increases, there is less and less time to enjoy the moment that you are in. The ability to appreciate the moment, the environment and yourself in it, isthe base for the bridge towards long term happiness of any human being.           

71% of people tried to complete this challenge, but failed quoting lack of time as the main reason.These people simpy did not have time to be happy. Do you?"

 

 

Seriously? NORMAL people find being happy a challenge? I mean, I'm not happy as of the moment for a reason. So I'm excused! :-p

 

Anyway, here's how it works:

 

"every day submit a picture of what made you happy!

It can be anything from a meet-up with a friend to a very tasty cake in the nearby coffee place, from a feeling of being at home after a hard day to a favor you didto a stranger.

#100happyday challenge is for you - not for anyone else.

It is not a happiness competition or a showing off contest. If you try to please / make others jealous via your pictures - you lose without even starting. Same goes for cheating.

 

So first you register in the challenge >here<, then choose your favorite platform for submitting pictures. Here you can decide yourself on the privacy of your participation & happy moments:

• Share your picture via facebook, twitter or instagram with apublic hashtag#100happydays;
• Come up with your own hashtagto share your pictures with to limit publicity. (Don't forget to tell us how to find your pictures though ;) )
• Simply send your pictures to myhappyday (at) 100happydays.comto avoid any publicity.

And you're ready to go! :)  "

 

I rarely go on facebook. I can't post pictures everyday, so I'll just accumulate them pics and whenever I get the chance to  post 'em, then by all means post 'em in a bunch!

 

Happy me, come back!

 

 

 

 

 

Overcoming grief and mourning...

Im in the stage that my mind has been occupied by memories of my father (who expired last May 24, 2014).  I haven't been myself lately.


I'm irritable, I snap at people, I don't talk longer to Mala, my boyfriend's mom (I used to stay awake an hour extra just to talk to her about random stuff! Now, it just decreased to a 10 minute chit chat and I go to sleep), I lost interest in waking up early, I become needy with my old friends more than how I used to, but I lose the want of hanging out with new people. I find less importance in responding to messages from my old friends.

I don't like the changes happening to me. I try to be as normal as how I was but then I tend to no longer care about what people think.

Sometimes, I get busy with random things and then all of a sudden I stop... remember how my dad suffered and those good times we've been through and the fact that I can no longer have those moments happening again, ever... then weep... Crazy.

I want to be in control of my emotions, I want to get back to my normal, quirky, happy, passionate me.

I don't want people around me to think that I'm too moody to be around. People... specially the ones important to me are already getting affected and I don't like that.
I just realized that coping with mourning and grief is worse than getting over a really bad breakup.

 Really.

I was once told by my boyfriend that I'll be okay in time and I shouldn't rush things. It's not really that I'm rushing, it's just that not all people easily understand how I am.

People react to stimuli.

Now, I'm making my own solution.

I'll blog away my feelings and get busy with random stuff as usual and try to focus more on the same old simple pleasures in life like how I used to.

I must move on...

I have to be stronger than how I was! For my family... For my friends... For the future problems that I'll be facing.

I might consider following this thing people called "100 days of happiness."... It's when they capture pictures of happy moments until it reached a hundred. Well.... My version of happiness is just simple. I get happy over eating ice cream, waking up to a cold morning then press the snooze button multiple times, the joy of petting a cat, the feeling of lying down upon fresh and clean bedsheets....

 simple things like that.... Who could ever relate to that? It's not that big... just simple...


Well, Im doing it anyway!

Fingers crossed!

That fateful day

May 24, 2014 at 5:33 AM when my Dad's life was taken away from him. A fateful day.

I was miles away from him, I'm at Cebu and he's at Cagayan de Oro when my mom called my phone until the battery ran out because phones aren't allowed in our company premises, thus left in our lockers. But I knew something was wrong. The last message I read was that Daddy's heart hasn't been responding in the E.R. for 30 minutes... And then my phone went out.

In my mind I was thinking he will survive but then my positive thinking was killed by the fact that he hasn't responded for 30 minutes already.... Thirty Minutes!

Most of the time, patients who hasn't any cardiac activity for 5 minutes expires. Having a background in the medical field, I knew better.

I went to my supervisor but made sure all my team mates aren't around because I don't want them to see what I am under influence of extreme emotion. I was dying inside. My optimism and fear of his loss fighting... Already arguing.

My initial plan was just to tell my supervisor that I have to come home in a calmest way possible. But then upon reaching her desk, I cried unable to express myself properly. I couldn't find the right words to describe how I felt nor how I'd deal with the situation. I was hesitant to tell her that my Dad left me because there's this little hope in my mind that kept telling me that he could be revived. After all my mom said he's still being revived at the hospital...

I fixed myself and hurried home to recharge my phone and call my family to check on him and make sure he's okay. On my way during my commute I kept telling myself that he'll be okay. But then something in me tells me he won't make it and at least his suffering will be over that he'll be at peace. All these emotion and logic and denial mixed. People stop and stare at me... At 9am on a rush hour, I weep. I tried stopping myself from showing much emotion but it's useless.

That commute started to feel a lot like a slow, painful torture.

Finally, after 90 minutes of commute I reached the house and my boyfriend's mom told me the news just before I reached our bedroom to recharge my phone. She said, my sister called my boyfriend at nearly 6AM and told him that my Dad has expired. That I have to go home to my family the soonest time possible.

I was in denial still and insisted that I have to hear it from my Mom directly.

Reaching my Mom who was at that time beating around the bush, explaining first what happened, how it happened and the whole nine yards, I had to yell at her "ANO NA NANGYARI KAY DADDY?!?!?!" (What happened to Daddy?) "Okay na ba siya?" (Is he okay?).
Then there's this long silence and she told me "Wala na sya" (He's gone)

I never really cared what my neighbors would think. I cried the loudest cry ever. I threw things everywhere.

It was the most painful day ever.

I was lost.

It hurts to know that the man who gave me so much affection would leave me. He who gave me life, he who used to call me his LUCKY CHARM, ANGEL and PRINCESS. The man who taught me so much, even life hacks and the man who protected me from harm all my life. The man who could sacrifice so much, even kill for me (If he have to) just to make things better for me. The man who watched me from a distance as another form of guiding me. The man who held my hands when I was little and taught me how to fight before I could walk. The man who'd always allow me to climb trees, swim the deeper part of the river/beach, climb hills and drive a bike/motorcycle even though my mom dissaproved out of fear that I might get hurt.

There's so many things I haven't mentioned that my Dad has done for me.

There's so many things I would be missing.

He still haven't seen me in my wedding day nor seen his grandchildren all because he ran out of time.

 All those years he has been longing for that day to come.  But I failed to show that to him.

He still haven't seen me progress at work.

If only I had more time to prove him my worth.

If only I had more time to show him the world.

If only there's another chance that I could talk to him again.

For now I still mourn. Life hasn't been normal yet since he went away.

I had so many plans for him and my family.

If only I could turn back the time.

I miss you so much, Daddy!

Diamonds are Forever?

Diamonds are forever?.. (Rearrange!) Are diamonds forever?

"Will you Marry me?" He said, popping a small velvet box revealing a diamond ring in one bended knee.

Usual reaction from her: Tears of joy... It depends if she says "Yes" with a smooch or a "No" because "It's not you, it's me. Sorry" (Ouch!)


The act of proposing to your long time or 2 month old relationship with your girlfriend itself is scary (for some!) for some reason, either because they fear rejection, loss of freedom, loss of privacy or change of lifestyle. How much more scarier is it knowing you'll be spending months of starving yourself for saving your salary over an expensive piece of mineral or stone... And you're not even sure if the woman you're asking her hand in marriage would say YES or MAYBE or worse, NO.

In my end, I find it unneccessary.

I have this one or a couple of friends who INSISTS that I should have a ring in my finger as a sign that Im engaged. They said that it's a sign of love and eternity.

These ladies said it's a sign of trust and sacrifice. And insisted that HE should put a ring on my finger. I just smiled and said, OK. Just because I KNOW these girls won't take NO for an answer and will argue nonstop about it. You know, the typical ladies' nagging kind of argument? I hate listening to those.

Anyway, I don't want my boyfriend to do too much for me. I even told him once that I'm good with a turbo-oven or a coffee maker in replacement of an engagement ring. I mean, why a diamond ring? I can't pawn that! I can't make use of that. If I stroll the streets of Colon or somewhere else, I might end up getting mugged or that ring itself could serve as an imaginary neon light inviting thieves to attack me cuz I have a rich boyfriend who can afford a diamond ring, so stealing it from me and stabbing me 'til I die isn't a big deal 'cuz he can afford getting another girl and another ring! (Patay agad agad?) So much for my WIDE imagination!


It's just a piece of stone anyway! It's just shiny!

The tought of giving her the most expensive mineral is really touching but not so important if we think of the other MORE important things.

A gold or diamond ring? NO! Let's be practical! Why not use the money for the marriage ceremony itself? Why not buy a house or a car or maybe a nice fridge or a comfortable bed with it? Not unless he could afford that without hurting his budget for what we're gonna eat. Im not saying that Im forbidding men to give your bride to be an engagement ring. I know it's a token of love and it's a fancy sign for saying "You are my everything and money isn't important that's why Im buying this for you. Now brag this unto your girlfriends and be proud!".


Whatever! It's your money.

Money is one of the most common reason why couples end up with annulment/divorce. I don't need a piece of jewelry in my finger knowing that I can't even afford to buy my own car and that there's so much people starving these days.


My sisters and even my mom got married without the luxury of an engagement ring. Beat that!

Maybe I got this kind of thinking 'cuz the ladies in my family did not have that kind of luxury, maybe because Im just being practical or maybe because I've seen more important things we need to get worried about. Maybe because Im just seeking for something better than a ring; that one person who'd be with me through thick or thin, through my PMS and my fading beauty, through the ups and downs, through sickness and health.

Upon hearing my opinion, one person told me that Im losing my self worth (You dont say!) Whatever!

Now Im done with my rant. And I'm hoping he'd buy me that turbo-oven (for my cooking spree!) or coffee maker (for my fresh brewed caffeine fix!). Keeping my fingers crossed! hahahaha!!!